First Step, First Post

The first step in Overeaters Anonymous is:

     "We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable."

I had finally come to believe that I was powerless over food in July of 2012. My concern and heartbreak over the situation of one of my close family members triggered my food addiction in a major way, not that it really needed much triggering (I was letting my desire for food run rampant enough already), and I finally had to be honest with myself that this was an addiction, and it needed to be treated as such.

Even so, it took me 2 months to finally show up to my first meeting! After the first 3 meetings, I almost gave up. I had convinced myself that "those people" in O.A. were just in it for weight-loss. Well who was I kidding, it's not like I didn't also want weight loss. But what I wanted (and what everyone who comes to and sticks with O.A. wants really) is an end to the insanity of it all.

We are not just powerless over food, we are powerless over our weights, over the actions of others, etc. Does this mean we cannot act, or choose? No, it simply means that we cannot control, force or contrive the world into being what we want it to. We surrender control.

I have been overeating since at least the age of 3. I've eaten entire pizzas by myself washed down with 2-liter bottles of sugary soda. I've eaten hefty restaurant meals and come home afterward only to immediately begin snacking. I've stopped by multiple fast food restaurants on the way home. A recent favorite binge of mine before getting abstinent involved picking up a bag of chips, perhaps something sweet as well, 2 16 oz. bottles of soda, and a big bag from a fast food restaurant on the way home, melting Velveeta onto my chips, making a mayo/chopped onion/sriracha "dip" for my fast food items and then bite-by-bite eating it all. When it was gone I wanted more.

Like many people who overeat, I am obese. I topped the scales at 400 lbs. I was about 385 when I entered O.A. I've spent plenty of my life focusing on the outward problem of weight rather than the inner problem of addiction and have not had much even in the way of weight-loss to show for it. I lost 45 pounds once by eating a high-fiber diet combined with regular exercise. Then I moved to a different state, started graduate school, and gained every pound back in the course of two years.

I've gone on low-fat diets, low-carb diets, taken pills that were meant to prevent the fat from my food from entering my body (which made for some great oily poops, and zero weight loss), taken "herbal" weight-loss pills that left me feeling jittery. All in the name of some superficial change in my appearance.

I have struggled in my relationships, eventually coming to the point of isolating myself from others to the point of nearly being a hermit. I have had toxic relationships, have instigated unnecessary drama, have failed to see where others are coming from. I have been utterly selfish.

Taking the first step in O.A. seems to be about admitting that you have a problem. In my case, my problem is overeating: eating entirely too many calories, eating past the point of fullness, and binge-eating. My problem is not what I look like. My problem is that one of the ways I react to stress, happiness, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. is to eat. Food is my go-to for everything, but overeating solves nothing. I guess I'm kinda powerless over this addiction, right? Sounds a bit "unmanageable" huh?

Hello, my name is G.K. and I am a compulsive overeater. :)