I Forgive Myself for Being Human

I think sometimes I avoid writing here because I feel I need to be reporting on “how I’m doing,” which, in terms of consistent abstinence from overeating, is not so great. 

I have been coming to OA meetings since the end of September 2012, so two years and a month or so. Shouldn’t I be sailing smoothly in my abstinence thus far? I think so. But then I remind myself of the process it took for me to become abstinent from marijuana.

That process began in 2010 when I had to stop using in order to find a job, then once I acquired a job I decided to only allow myself to smoke pot every two months. And what I mean by “only smoking every two months” is that I would buy a bag of weed every two months and binge on it until it was gone.

At one point I managed longer than two months of marijuana-sobriety, and then finally a family situation (involving a family member’s addiction to synthetic marijuana to the point that she became a danger to her own child) scared me into sobriety. Even a few months after that scare, around Halloween 2012 I found myself in some situations where marijuana was being smoked and I participated. 

It was a process. Now at my two year sobriety mark from smoking pot I feel I’ve come a long way and feel strong enough to maintain my sobriety without too much trouble (though I know I will always be a pot addict and that I need to stay vigilant against the disease). But becoming sober was not at all like turning on a light switch. It was trial-and-error.

So why do I expect food abstinence to be any easier, especially considering that it’s so much more complicated of an addiction? With food abstinence, after all, half the battle is figuring out what “abstinence” is to begin with! And even then, we will be surrounded by our addictive substance on a daily basis. I do not have to be confronted with cheap, easily available marijuana when I drove down the highway or enter a grocery store. My co-workers do not hold marijuana potlucks. There are no holidays where people hand out marijuana to children, give marijuana to express their romantic love, or gather around the table with family to smoke a bong (unless, of course, you’re a very enthusiastic celebrator of the 420 Holiday, I suppose).

And of course, unlike with food addiction, we don’t need to smoke marijuana to stay alive. I need food, but I do not need the foods I am addicted to. But knowing which foods those are exactly, and then avoiding them when they’re all around? That is hard.

I do feel I’ve had some good insights lately regarding my food addiction. Reading about the science of sugar addiction has lead me to understand that I probably am a sugar addict. When I recently cut sugar out of my diet completely (which is difficult to do, by the way, because it’s in almost everything you eat, and simple carbs turn almost immediately into sugar when you eat them so those have to be avoided too as they trigger the brain’s reward system the same way sugar does) I stopped having cravings. In fact, I stopped being hungry most of the time (maybe more on that in a future post). 

I made it about a week without sugar, then slipped and then sprawled. Today is no sugar day one again. One day at a time. As many times as it takes.

12 Promises

I love the Twelve Promises. :) I have seen some of them fulfilled in small ways and look forward to the continued blessings of recovery. 

Forgiveness

For the majority of my life I held resentment towards my Aunt and Uncle for the emotional abuse I felt I received from them in my childhood. My mother died in a car accident when I was 11, at which point my aunt and uncle had become my and my sister's full-time guardians, although they had already had part-time guardianship of us for a few years before that due to my mother's severe bipolar disorder.

I'll keep the story short and simple, I feel loved by my aunt and uncle now, and a lot of healing has occurred. Much of my healing had to do with forgiveness.

I'm finding forgiveness to be a major spiritual gift of late as well in dealing with a hurtful situation with my former roommate who offered to foster my cat for me until I could find an apartment that would allow pets. Edgar the cat has been in my life for ten years now. Understandably my ex-roommate also has a bond with him, but I was shocked and made fearful by her statement that she felt entitled to keep him, and if not, that she thought she should keep him until I pay back a debt to her that I truthfully do owe (though her account of the total debt is quite inflated). The debt is something I had planned to start paying as soon as I got a full-time job that would allow me to do so, which I do have now (and that is also the reason I am finally in an apartment that allows pets). My ex-roommate seemed to feel I had shown no intentions so far of paying back the loan, and truthfully she is right--I should have made more effort to at least start paying her back a small amount here and there--and I admitted this to her. I offered multiple times to make written payment arrangements, but she insists as of the writing of this blog entry that she needs to keep Edgar until the loan is completely paid off.

In reading fourth step material online (the current step I'm on) I found some advice that when we are feeling resentful for someone it is very healing that we prayer *for* the other person. We pray that this person have all the joy and happiness that we want for ourselves. I've been doing a lot of prayer lately, not really sure how to react to my friend's evasive (she will only talk to me about this through email she says, and even then her response is 2-7 days in coming) and hurtful behavior.

I had made prayer for her once when I first read this advice online, and it helped somewhat, but I think I was still too stunned by the whole thing to really mean those kindnesses that I was prayerfully directing at her.

In the past two weeks I have felt almost non-stop the stress, worry, anger and resentment about this issue eating me from the inside out. I had just regained abstinence and my inability to handle my emotions and deal effectively with my resentments lead me to overeat.

Yesterday I decided to pray for my friend again. This time I felt almost a rosy, holy feeling, I felt aligned with the words I was speaking. I truly found compassion for her, was able to find forgiveness and let go of this pain and stress. I do not know what the future holds regarding my cat. She has been unresponsive for the past 4 days. I have not stopped wanting to have my Edgar back, but I have decided that I deserve more than to be living in fear, anger, paranoia, and resentment regarding the situation. I will continue to give this situation to God to the best of my ability, and seek God's will for a resolution.

Thoughts from Morning Commute: I Deserve More than What Food Can Do for Me

I deserve more than what food can do for me. On my commute this morning I was thinking a lot about how I've been consciously shifting toward a more positive perspective and how doing that has brought me to greater happiness. I was thinking that even though I have not been abstinent for much of this shift, my general movement towards greater happiness is making me stronger and more capable of being abstinent. 

Likewise, though perhaps I could be happy without abstinence, I know that I deserve more, much more, than what food could ever do for me.

Just as a side note, isn't that a beautiful image? #crowlove #crowmedicine ;)

Staying Inside My Body

"Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. God, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body."--from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Sometimes when I share on Twitter or other social media it makes me feel ill. I think it has to do with putting too much energy out there, something along the lines of what Melody Beattie talks about in her entry on "Owning Our Energy" from The Language of Letting Go.

She says, "our energy spills out of us on to whomever. Our energy is our energy [my emphasis]. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours."

I don't intentionally try to invade others' boundaries with my energy. I just want to express myself and I think sometimes just the unintended consequence is that you can't just express yourself willy nilly without other people being affected by the energy you're putting out.

So, it's a fine line. How to express oneself
without overstepping others' boundaries, or your own?

Back, from outer space

         I have been thinking a lot lately about allowing for God's will to guide and direct me. OA recommends submitting one's own will, with the suggestion that personal willpower will not heal us. Sometimes that can be confusing, don't we need willpower to stop overeating?

I think it's good to admit confusion with OA principles (or with anything), but I do also know that in general when I'm worried or fearful I always feel better the more fully I am able to "give it to God." So it makes sense to give the fear that causes my overeating over to God.

When I overeat, it is out of fear and worry. Sometimes I eat because I'm happy, or seemingly that's why I'm eating, what I've realized is that I often run into fearfulness that I'll lose happiness. So even happy times cause great anxiety. I'm often waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Returning to this blog a little over a year later, I would like to focus more on the positive. I think when I began in OA it was important to me to feel like I was being honest about my shadows, acknowledging my compulsive behavior, looking my addiction square in the face.

And of course that is still important. But I also want to be honest about my strengths, my joys, about the progress I've had.

I am newly abstinent again. I've moved back to eastern Ky to be near my family, and that's been a great change. Partly due to OA, and additionally from getting back to my roots and my sense of rootedness, I'm happier at this point of my life than I've ever been. At the same time, even while continuing to become happier and better adjusted following a major depression in 2006, I haven't been abstinent for a long time.

Abstinence itself doesn't bring happiness. But I know, that as a fairly calm and contented person (these days! and believe much I'm much happier and more centered even than when I started this blog) that I deserve, in my contentedness, to be treating myself with good health and with the continued mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being that comes with abstinence and the freedom from the insanity of compulsive eating.

Irrational and Self-Destructive

"As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?" --Step 2, Question 1, OA 12 Step Workbook

I've made myself physically sick, pushing myself close to having problems with diabetes. I've caused myself to gain enough weight that my knees have had difficulty bearing my weight. I've found it difficult to do things that people of a more moderate size can do (like fitting into an amusement park ride, an airplane seat, finding pantyhose that fit well, finding clothes easily).

I've eaten so much that I've made myself constipated, and then still ate more. Once I ate so quickly I started choking, and then tried to take another bite while still choking on my last bite.

I've convinced myself I couldn't afford "healthy" food but then spent a ton of money on unhealthy food. I've hidden how much I've eaten. I've stolen food, putting myself at legal risk.

I've gone to a buffet before, thinking to myself "I bet these people think I'm just stuffing myself, but they don't know that I'm actually losing weight because I'm exercising." I've convinced myself on multiple occasions that I could be losing weight even though I was overeating.

Unmanageable?

The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous asks, in reference to Step One,

"When and how has my life become unmanageable?"

The following are ways in which my life is and has been unmanageable:

--I have had great difficulty taking on the responsibilities of an adult life. I have often been just scraping by financially. Even though I have now come to a point where I am able to trust that my finances will be taken care of, I find it difficult to do certain things such as keep insurance on my car, pay back student loans, achieve a salaried career. I know that my insecurity about my weight has held me back especially in terms of career. But underlying it is a greater fear, I think. A fear of not being wanted, of having to co-exist with people long-term who work with me, and that either I won't like them or they won't like me or some combination. That I'll fail.
--I have great difficulty keeping my home and car cleaned and maintained.
--I sleep too much.
--I do not embrace life fully.
--Since I am single and have no children, I have plenty of extra time that I could be using towards general maintenance of myself, my home, my finances, but I cannot seem to manage these things adequately.
--Because I have lost two jobs before, I always have a fear that I will fail and lose my current jobs (I have two part-time jobs right now, one which I've been doing for almost 3 years, which is by fear the longest job I've ever held, and one which I've had almost one year).
--At times my fitness level has been so bad (due to food addiction and not moving my body enough) that I have had great difficulty walking even a couple of blocks at a time.
--This is getting a lot better, especially since beginning OA, but I have had great difficulty in friendships in the past few years especially.

Milestone Entry: 5 Months into OA

Periodically I will write these milestone entries so that I (and anyone reading who is interested) can understand where I am at and have been so far in my recovery.

Milestone Entry Date: February 21, 2013

This is where I am currently:

In brief:
--From late-Sept. 2012-Dec. 15, 2012 I was in OA, experimenting with food plans, but not yet abstinent.
--From Dec. 15, 2012-Jan. 31, 2013 (One and a half months) I was abstinent
--Feb. 1, 2013 Major binge and break in abstinence
--Feb. 2-Feb. 9, 2013 Abstinence and eating very "clean" with no processed foods
--Feb. 10-16, 2013 visiting with family, break in abstinence
--Feb. 17-today, new Abstinence

Time in OA: approx. 5 months
Current abstinence: 5 days
Longest abstinence to date: One and a half months

For a fuller explanation:

--Have been attending Overeaters Anonymous for 5 months, since late-Sept. 2012
--About a month or so into program I experimented with using a daily food-plan for awhile, which I sent to myself via e-mail. I don't know that I was exactly abstinent at this point, but I was learning more about how much food my body really needed (instead of how much my addiction wanted). This was an important learning period for me. "Progress, not perfection!" ;)
--In mid-December 2012 I got a sponsor and had a month and a half of abstinence. As the abstinence progressed I started allowing myself to eat "reasonable" amounts of dangerous foods, such as fast food, though still maintained a moderate AMOUNT of food.
--In late January 2013 I started researching Alkaline diets and fasts. I was happy to have lost 15 pounds in my first 6 weeks of abstinence and wanted to get my body more clean. On Jan. 31, 2013 I decided to try to do a water-only fast. I got through the day without any cravings and had only minor and brief feelings of hunger. I felt I was doing something great for my body. On the drive home from work I had a very strong urge to eat (very hungry) and ate an apple that I had in my bag just in case. At home I had another apple, then a salad, then went to a therapy appointment. After my therapy appointment (which was pretty emotional) I ate a vegetarian crepe at a nearby restaurant. I felt fine, but later that night as I was heading to bed, passing the kitchen I got a plate of crackers and mac and cheese, etc. and just piled it all together and ate it with a glass of sugary lemonade. I don't know if I was hungry or just craving, it was definitely a compulsive act of eating but not sure how much it was driven by actual hunger? Since my total calorie count for the day was likely pretty minor, I still did not count this day as a loss of abstinence
--The next day, Feb. 1, 2013  I had a full-on binge. I went to a buffet, which is definitely a MAJOR no-no for a food addict! I ate two hefty plates of Japanese food (a lot of fried, carby stuff, and their plates are enormous). Then I went out to karaoke with friends, feeling full to the point of sickness. That night as I was driving home I figured I might as well go ahead and eat some more junk that I wouldn't be able to eat when I got back into my abstinence, so I got a bag of food from the Sonic drive-thru.
--From the week afterward (Feb 2, 2013-Feb. 9, 2013) I ate wonderfully. I ate whole foods (fresh vegetables, fruits, and whole, complex carbs like red cargo rice and proteins like almond butter as well as vegetarian protein smoothies). I had nearly zero cravings and I felt that eating cleaner must be a better way for me, that my previous dabbles with fast food and processed foods had lead me before to my eventual binge.
--Then, the healthy food I had on-hand ran out, plus I got really tired of taking so much time each day planning/preparing my food. This coupled with a trip to visit my family in the next state over (where abstinence is difficult due to emotions and their own food choices), I lost abstinence again from Feb. 10-16.
--I am now abstinent again, since February 17th, 2013. Five days into new abstinence! This time I am trying to eat as "clean" as possible as well but realizing that this is about progress, not perfection and that sometimes eating more convenient foods are beneficial to my overall abstinence. But with that said, I will try my best to choose the healthiest "convenience" foods possible when necessary (such as an Amy's Organic burrito instead of a Taco Bell burrito).

My abstinent food plan going forward:

No fast food
No cheese
No crackers or refined white wheat products
No soda (diet or regular)*
No potato or corn chips
No buffets

*I will note here that during the past week of my new abstinence I have had some diet soda. I had been really good during my initial abstinence of giving up soda entirely. My roommate, who usually doesn't bring diet soda, brought some into the house this week (leftover from an event she went to) and it has been difficult for me not to drink them. I will still count this week as abstinence, even though I have had a few diet sodas over the past couple days. Going forward, though, I choose not to drink soda, which has been a known trigger for me in the past (often combined with food binges). Plus it is very toxic, even the diet kind.

Action!

I've never really (so far in the program) created any kind of action plan. It does occur to me lately that I'm fearing making progress in my career-life. I know exactly the career I want to have but I don't know exactly how to get there and I'm also feeling fearful about getting what I want.

I guess when I think about it (which is starting right now as I write) those fears are about measuring up, about whether or not I will even be satisfied with the work that I feel called to do, about whether or not others will deem me adequate to give me the support I need to get the job, about having the courage to ask them for their help to begin with, and about whether or not I will ever even be hired.
I want to teach students with behavioral and/or emotional problems. Right now I am a substitute teacher (in my third year of subbing) and I have an M.A. in English which unfortunately doesn't qualify me to teach public school.
Last year I went to speak to a woman at the university where I got my masters, asking her about a Post-Baccalaureate program they have for people who have degrees but do not have the necessary teaching certification to teach in public schools.

She told me that since I wanted to go into Special Ed., which is one area where more teachers are needed than are available, I could take the PRAXIS test, and if I passed it I could apply for teaching jobs under a "transitional" teaching license. If I were to get a teaching job, then I would spend 3 years taking classes while teaching in order to complete my license.

This approach was much easier and less costly than going back to school for three years and THEN getting a job. So I studied for the PRAXIS for 3 months, took it and aced it, and applied for teaching jobs last June. I did get called for an initial interview by the county board of education, but the next step in the process would have been going to interview with principals at schools who were interested in hiring me for specific positions at their schools. This never happened.

Which could be because I sucked in my interview. (I hope not! Though possible, I don't think I'm the best interviewer). Or, it could be because there were not any available Special Ed. positions that the county thought me best suited for that could not be filled with currently-certified teachers.

So I'm going in the right direction generally, but for the past year I've been sort of floating along, which was good in a way. I was "trusting" God, the Universe, the source, etc. to guide me to the correct position for me. I was waiting for signs to know what next steps to make, and today I think I am getting those signs and insights. I am also gaining the courage to actually take them.

So, anyway, I think an action plan looks like this:

--Speak to the Human Resources director in charge of Special Ed. for her insight and advice into how I should best go forward, knowing as I do that I want to work with kids who have behavioral issues
--Take whatever advice she gives me! I'm specifically wondering if taking a T.A. position initially would be the best route for getting initiated into the culture of a particular school, so that the principal there would know me and be more willing/likely to hire me into a transitional-licensure teaching position when one comes available.
--Speak to the handful of people I know currently working in the school system to see if they would be references for me
--Apply again for this year's available positions, with better references and more experience and know-how than last year

Self-Abuse

"I was already in self-abuse at that point–sometimes skipping my morning shower, often looking like I rolled out of bed, and generally being frantic and miserable and hypersensitive to any potentially hurtful comment."--from the blog entry titled "Abstinence Again?" from A 40-Something Fool's Journey

I appreciated reading this and realizing that not taking care of personal appearance and hygiene are forms of self-abuse! For me not keeping my house (especially my bedroom) clean is also a common form of self-abuse. I think it is helpful for me to see it as self-destructive because it helps me to see how important it really is (in my recovery and in general, as a way of learning to love myself more fully so that I can be a more loving presence for others) to really take care of myself and my home. Doing these things is not about vanity, it is about caring for myself enough to wear clean, unwrinkled clothing and not having trash and dirty clothes lying all over my bedroom floor.

I'm already aware that smoking, doing drugs, engaging in risky behavior, and abusing my body with large amounts of excess food are self-abusive, but it's helpful to have gained an awareness that neglecting my personal care-taking (though not quite as insidious as some of the others) is also a form of self-abuse.

My dirty bedroom may not be at the same level as the folks on Hoarders, but although it might be more obvious they are self-abusing because they've done dirty/cluttered to an extreme, I do see now (in a way I haven't before) that I am also being abusive to myself in the way that I keep my room far from the beautiful space I would most want it to be.

So here's to a great lesson: Self-care! Self-love! :)

Fake it 'til you make it?

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

--"Smile," Nat King Cole