Opening My Heart in Recovery

I have been attending Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings since late September 2012, so for three months now. In the beginning I had spotty attendance, however, and there was only one meeting locally that I have been able to easily fit into my schedule. And of course I've resisted the process all along (from my reading I find that many 12-steppers do resist and rebel).

Image source: http://theopenheartstudio.com/

But anyway, I've stuck in there. A little over two weeks ago I finally got a sponsor (something that had really frightened me to do, but I've been learning to face the fears, realizing that what's on the other side is not really so scary after all) and became abstinent the next day.

Today is the 17th day of my abstinence. Confetti? Oh thank you. You're so kind, really it was unnecessary. Oh and a celebratory cake? It's too much. Really. Too much. ;)

One thing I noticed big time when visiting my family last week for the holidays was how much abstinence (other 12-step programs might just use the word "sobriety") really affects my interactions with others. My heart is much more open and loving and patient. I'm more willing to hug, more willing and able to be a positive and uplifting presence for others rather than a selfish drag on their energy. Consequently, family time this past week was terrific. It's amazing how much better your interactions with others become when you own your part of the negativity. I had one situation this week where I could have responded to someone else's bad mood with my own anger, which is what I would have done before, but I successfully sidestepped it. Instead of reacting by igniting a bomb of anger within myself, I deactivated my "inner bomb." No explosive reactions from ego? That's a nice side effect to abstinence, for sure. This family member's own bad attitude also fizzled out much more quickly than it would have if I'd reacted as I used to, and she apologized.

There was another situation when I did find myself responding to someone from a place of ego, but quickly apologized myself when I realized what I was doing. A good lesson from that particular instance is, "Don't automatically assume the other person is trying to be mean." My ego wants to protect itself, and so ego wants to assume everyone is a danger to itself. Well, ego is wrong, more often than not.

I am changing not only in how I related to family and close friends, but also in the way that I find myself much more easily looking people in the eye (even strangers). I had always attributed this to social anxiety--this unease around people in general--but it's interesting to see how recovery/abstinence allow me to be so much more open to others all around. "Thank you's" and cheerful "Hello's!" to strangers are so much easier. It's not that I didn't want to be friendly before, but it's coming much more easily and naturally now. :)

If you're reading this, and you're in recovery, what changes have you noticed in your interactions/relationships with others? Has your heart been opening up too?

First Step, First Post

The first step in Overeaters Anonymous is:

     "We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable."

I had finally come to believe that I was powerless over food in July of 2012. My concern and heartbreak over the situation of one of my close family members triggered my food addiction in a major way, not that it really needed much triggering (I was letting my desire for food run rampant enough already), and I finally had to be honest with myself that this was an addiction, and it needed to be treated as such.

Even so, it took me 2 months to finally show up to my first meeting! After the first 3 meetings, I almost gave up. I had convinced myself that "those people" in O.A. were just in it for weight-loss. Well who was I kidding, it's not like I didn't also want weight loss. But what I wanted (and what everyone who comes to and sticks with O.A. wants really) is an end to the insanity of it all.

We are not just powerless over food, we are powerless over our weights, over the actions of others, etc. Does this mean we cannot act, or choose? No, it simply means that we cannot control, force or contrive the world into being what we want it to. We surrender control.

I have been overeating since at least the age of 3. I've eaten entire pizzas by myself washed down with 2-liter bottles of sugary soda. I've eaten hefty restaurant meals and come home afterward only to immediately begin snacking. I've stopped by multiple fast food restaurants on the way home. A recent favorite binge of mine before getting abstinent involved picking up a bag of chips, perhaps something sweet as well, 2 16 oz. bottles of soda, and a big bag from a fast food restaurant on the way home, melting Velveeta onto my chips, making a mayo/chopped onion/sriracha "dip" for my fast food items and then bite-by-bite eating it all. When it was gone I wanted more.

Like many people who overeat, I am obese. I topped the scales at 400 lbs. I was about 385 when I entered O.A. I've spent plenty of my life focusing on the outward problem of weight rather than the inner problem of addiction and have not had much even in the way of weight-loss to show for it. I lost 45 pounds once by eating a high-fiber diet combined with regular exercise. Then I moved to a different state, started graduate school, and gained every pound back in the course of two years.

I've gone on low-fat diets, low-carb diets, taken pills that were meant to prevent the fat from my food from entering my body (which made for some great oily poops, and zero weight loss), taken "herbal" weight-loss pills that left me feeling jittery. All in the name of some superficial change in my appearance.

I have struggled in my relationships, eventually coming to the point of isolating myself from others to the point of nearly being a hermit. I have had toxic relationships, have instigated unnecessary drama, have failed to see where others are coming from. I have been utterly selfish.

Taking the first step in O.A. seems to be about admitting that you have a problem. In my case, my problem is overeating: eating entirely too many calories, eating past the point of fullness, and binge-eating. My problem is not what I look like. My problem is that one of the ways I react to stress, happiness, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. is to eat. Food is my go-to for everything, but overeating solves nothing. I guess I'm kinda powerless over this addiction, right? Sounds a bit "unmanageable" huh?

Hello, my name is G.K. and I am a compulsive overeater. :)