I Forgive Myself for Being Human

I think sometimes I avoid writing here because I feel I need to be reporting on “how I’m doing,” which, in terms of consistent abstinence from overeating, is not so great. 

I have been coming to OA meetings since the end of September 2012, so two years and a month or so. Shouldn’t I be sailing smoothly in my abstinence thus far? I think so. But then I remind myself of the process it took for me to become abstinent from marijuana.

That process began in 2010 when I had to stop using in order to find a job, then once I acquired a job I decided to only allow myself to smoke pot every two months. And what I mean by “only smoking every two months” is that I would buy a bag of weed every two months and binge on it until it was gone.

At one point I managed longer than two months of marijuana-sobriety, and then finally a family situation (involving a family member’s addiction to synthetic marijuana to the point that she became a danger to her own child) scared me into sobriety. Even a few months after that scare, around Halloween 2012 I found myself in some situations where marijuana was being smoked and I participated. 

It was a process. Now at my two year sobriety mark from smoking pot I feel I’ve come a long way and feel strong enough to maintain my sobriety without too much trouble (though I know I will always be a pot addict and that I need to stay vigilant against the disease). But becoming sober was not at all like turning on a light switch. It was trial-and-error.

So why do I expect food abstinence to be any easier, especially considering that it’s so much more complicated of an addiction? With food abstinence, after all, half the battle is figuring out what “abstinence” is to begin with! And even then, we will be surrounded by our addictive substance on a daily basis. I do not have to be confronted with cheap, easily available marijuana when I drove down the highway or enter a grocery store. My co-workers do not hold marijuana potlucks. There are no holidays where people hand out marijuana to children, give marijuana to express their romantic love, or gather around the table with family to smoke a bong (unless, of course, you’re a very enthusiastic celebrator of the 420 Holiday, I suppose).

And of course, unlike with food addiction, we don’t need to smoke marijuana to stay alive. I need food, but I do not need the foods I am addicted to. But knowing which foods those are exactly, and then avoiding them when they’re all around? That is hard.

I do feel I’ve had some good insights lately regarding my food addiction. Reading about the science of sugar addiction has lead me to understand that I probably am a sugar addict. When I recently cut sugar out of my diet completely (which is difficult to do, by the way, because it’s in almost everything you eat, and simple carbs turn almost immediately into sugar when you eat them so those have to be avoided too as they trigger the brain’s reward system the same way sugar does) I stopped having cravings. In fact, I stopped being hungry most of the time (maybe more on that in a future post). 

I made it about a week without sugar, then slipped and then sprawled. Today is no sugar day one again. One day at a time. As many times as it takes.

"the more total our surrender, the more freely realized our freedom from food obsession"

The quote in the title of this entry is from the OA "Invitation to You." I have heard from my fellow OAers that many OA meetings begin with this invitation. For some reason at the meeting I attend the original creators decided to omit that, so today I read it for the first time. Good stuff!

I still feel sometimes as though I am slowly wading into recovery, taking my time. I'm learning to eliminate processed foods as I know they are triggering foods for me, but honestly that's a major transformation for someone who's been eating primarily processed foods their whole life! So, I treat it as just that, it is a transition. For some people cold turkey works best, for me I find phasing into healthier ways and out of unhealthier ways to work best.

That's how I stopped smoking marijuana. Just fyi. I used to be a pothead. I think I've written about this in a previous post.

Today I also stumbled upon the AA "Promises of our Program" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. These were so helpful that I will post the list of promises in its entirety here:

If we are painstaking about working our program, these are the amazing promises that will come true for us:
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Being Rooted in Real Love

I love the poet Rumi. I think many of us who tend toward addiction also tend toward desperate, chaotic attempts at "love," which in the end are not true, real, pure love from the heart. Love that comes of pleading and coercing is not real love. We cannot truly love another until we learn to truly love ourselves. How can I love myself today?

Love

Are you fleeing from Love because of a single humiliation?
What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion.
The human being resembles a tree; its root is a covenant with God:
that root must be cherished with all one's might.
A weak covenant is a rotten root, without grace or fruit.
Though the boughs and leaves of the date palm are green,
greenness brings no benefit if the root is corrupt.
If a branch is without green leaves, yet has a good root,
a hundred leaves will put forth their hands in the end.

--Rumi

Hunter S. Thompson--Hungry for What?

Someone posted this on my Facebook newsfeed today. It's an article that sums up a biographical account of Hunter S. Thompson's life. Who knows how accurate this is, but accurate or not, it is sadly believable. The drugs were of no surprise to me, given his reputation, but the food bingeing caught me by surprise.

It surprises me somehow to think that Hunter S. Thompson was a food addict, but it is not surprising to see food addiction occurring simultaneously with drug addiction. Why? Because I've been there! I know firsthand about getting high and overeating. Former pothead, right here. I would definitely combine a marijuana binge with a food binge (that's shocking right?). ;) Though the pothead "munchie" stereotypes prevail, we don't hear as often about cocaine and other drugs being combined with food, but here it is.

Like I said, it's not clear if this was Thompson's actual reality, but it has been more or less reality for many people in the world: wake up, take drugs, take drugs, take food, take drugs, etc. Throw a drug down the throat, be it food or alcohol or a pill, or inject it into a vein, or snort it up your nose. What is with the incessant drugging? What are we trying so hard to fill or to avoid? My first reaction to seeing this schedule was "God, that's someone who really just needs love." All of these things, cocaine, weed, fettucine alfredo... they are not love. This man needed to know that he was loved. I doubt that he lacked love, but certainly he did not recognize the love that was being given to him. And I relate to that one too.


FYI: Because I am also, on top of  being an addict, a very neurotic person, I did find this link that confirms that the correct spelling of bingeing is, in fact, BINGEING and not BINGING. I offer up this indefatigable proof beforehand to protect my fragile ego should anyone dare question my spelling choices. Spell-check, for instance, does not think bingeing is a real word. But it doesn't seem to think binging is a real world either, so what gives? What would the 12 Steps say to me about this ego-tripping? Ugggghhhhhh.