I Forgive Myself for Being Human

I think sometimes I avoid writing here because I feel I need to be reporting on “how I’m doing,” which, in terms of consistent abstinence from overeating, is not so great. 

I have been coming to OA meetings since the end of September 2012, so two years and a month or so. Shouldn’t I be sailing smoothly in my abstinence thus far? I think so. But then I remind myself of the process it took for me to become abstinent from marijuana.

That process began in 2010 when I had to stop using in order to find a job, then once I acquired a job I decided to only allow myself to smoke pot every two months. And what I mean by “only smoking every two months” is that I would buy a bag of weed every two months and binge on it until it was gone.

At one point I managed longer than two months of marijuana-sobriety, and then finally a family situation (involving a family member’s addiction to synthetic marijuana to the point that she became a danger to her own child) scared me into sobriety. Even a few months after that scare, around Halloween 2012 I found myself in some situations where marijuana was being smoked and I participated. 

It was a process. Now at my two year sobriety mark from smoking pot I feel I’ve come a long way and feel strong enough to maintain my sobriety without too much trouble (though I know I will always be a pot addict and that I need to stay vigilant against the disease). But becoming sober was not at all like turning on a light switch. It was trial-and-error.

So why do I expect food abstinence to be any easier, especially considering that it’s so much more complicated of an addiction? With food abstinence, after all, half the battle is figuring out what “abstinence” is to begin with! And even then, we will be surrounded by our addictive substance on a daily basis. I do not have to be confronted with cheap, easily available marijuana when I drove down the highway or enter a grocery store. My co-workers do not hold marijuana potlucks. There are no holidays where people hand out marijuana to children, give marijuana to express their romantic love, or gather around the table with family to smoke a bong (unless, of course, you’re a very enthusiastic celebrator of the 420 Holiday, I suppose).

And of course, unlike with food addiction, we don’t need to smoke marijuana to stay alive. I need food, but I do not need the foods I am addicted to. But knowing which foods those are exactly, and then avoiding them when they’re all around? That is hard.

I do feel I’ve had some good insights lately regarding my food addiction. Reading about the science of sugar addiction has lead me to understand that I probably am a sugar addict. When I recently cut sugar out of my diet completely (which is difficult to do, by the way, because it’s in almost everything you eat, and simple carbs turn almost immediately into sugar when you eat them so those have to be avoided too as they trigger the brain’s reward system the same way sugar does) I stopped having cravings. In fact, I stopped being hungry most of the time (maybe more on that in a future post). 

I made it about a week without sugar, then slipped and then sprawled. Today is no sugar day one again. One day at a time. As many times as it takes.

Milestone Entry: 5 Months into OA

Periodically I will write these milestone entries so that I (and anyone reading who is interested) can understand where I am at and have been so far in my recovery.

Milestone Entry Date: February 21, 2013

This is where I am currently:

In brief:
--From late-Sept. 2012-Dec. 15, 2012 I was in OA, experimenting with food plans, but not yet abstinent.
--From Dec. 15, 2012-Jan. 31, 2013 (One and a half months) I was abstinent
--Feb. 1, 2013 Major binge and break in abstinence
--Feb. 2-Feb. 9, 2013 Abstinence and eating very "clean" with no processed foods
--Feb. 10-16, 2013 visiting with family, break in abstinence
--Feb. 17-today, new Abstinence

Time in OA: approx. 5 months
Current abstinence: 5 days
Longest abstinence to date: One and a half months

For a fuller explanation:

--Have been attending Overeaters Anonymous for 5 months, since late-Sept. 2012
--About a month or so into program I experimented with using a daily food-plan for awhile, which I sent to myself via e-mail. I don't know that I was exactly abstinent at this point, but I was learning more about how much food my body really needed (instead of how much my addiction wanted). This was an important learning period for me. "Progress, not perfection!" ;)
--In mid-December 2012 I got a sponsor and had a month and a half of abstinence. As the abstinence progressed I started allowing myself to eat "reasonable" amounts of dangerous foods, such as fast food, though still maintained a moderate AMOUNT of food.
--In late January 2013 I started researching Alkaline diets and fasts. I was happy to have lost 15 pounds in my first 6 weeks of abstinence and wanted to get my body more clean. On Jan. 31, 2013 I decided to try to do a water-only fast. I got through the day without any cravings and had only minor and brief feelings of hunger. I felt I was doing something great for my body. On the drive home from work I had a very strong urge to eat (very hungry) and ate an apple that I had in my bag just in case. At home I had another apple, then a salad, then went to a therapy appointment. After my therapy appointment (which was pretty emotional) I ate a vegetarian crepe at a nearby restaurant. I felt fine, but later that night as I was heading to bed, passing the kitchen I got a plate of crackers and mac and cheese, etc. and just piled it all together and ate it with a glass of sugary lemonade. I don't know if I was hungry or just craving, it was definitely a compulsive act of eating but not sure how much it was driven by actual hunger? Since my total calorie count for the day was likely pretty minor, I still did not count this day as a loss of abstinence
--The next day, Feb. 1, 2013  I had a full-on binge. I went to a buffet, which is definitely a MAJOR no-no for a food addict! I ate two hefty plates of Japanese food (a lot of fried, carby stuff, and their plates are enormous). Then I went out to karaoke with friends, feeling full to the point of sickness. That night as I was driving home I figured I might as well go ahead and eat some more junk that I wouldn't be able to eat when I got back into my abstinence, so I got a bag of food from the Sonic drive-thru.
--From the week afterward (Feb 2, 2013-Feb. 9, 2013) I ate wonderfully. I ate whole foods (fresh vegetables, fruits, and whole, complex carbs like red cargo rice and proteins like almond butter as well as vegetarian protein smoothies). I had nearly zero cravings and I felt that eating cleaner must be a better way for me, that my previous dabbles with fast food and processed foods had lead me before to my eventual binge.
--Then, the healthy food I had on-hand ran out, plus I got really tired of taking so much time each day planning/preparing my food. This coupled with a trip to visit my family in the next state over (where abstinence is difficult due to emotions and their own food choices), I lost abstinence again from Feb. 10-16.
--I am now abstinent again, since February 17th, 2013. Five days into new abstinence! This time I am trying to eat as "clean" as possible as well but realizing that this is about progress, not perfection and that sometimes eating more convenient foods are beneficial to my overall abstinence. But with that said, I will try my best to choose the healthiest "convenience" foods possible when necessary (such as an Amy's Organic burrito instead of a Taco Bell burrito).

My abstinent food plan going forward:

No fast food
No cheese
No crackers or refined white wheat products
No soda (diet or regular)*
No potato or corn chips
No buffets

*I will note here that during the past week of my new abstinence I have had some diet soda. I had been really good during my initial abstinence of giving up soda entirely. My roommate, who usually doesn't bring diet soda, brought some into the house this week (leftover from an event she went to) and it has been difficult for me not to drink them. I will still count this week as abstinence, even though I have had a few diet sodas over the past couple days. Going forward, though, I choose not to drink soda, which has been a known trigger for me in the past (often combined with food binges). Plus it is very toxic, even the diet kind.

I had a bad day... :(

On Friday I had a major binge. What led to it? A mix of things I guess.

For one, I've been experimenting with eating "moderate" amounts of junky food. And sure, it is fine to have just a little bit, but I do realize more and more that when I eat "clean" I do have way fewer cravings. Almost zero cravings, in fact.

Part of the reason I realize this about clean eating is that I got it into my head the other day I needed to start eating alkaline, to clean out my system, to do a fast (no food, just water for a couple days) and that to build up to a fast, I would do a pre-fast as I had seen recommended somewhere (a pre-fast means just eating whole, fresh, raw fruits and veg and drinking water). So on Thursday I tried to do a fast, but had taken some apples with me to work just in case I didn't make it and needed to do the pre-fast.

I made it to the end of the work-day, no major hunger (some slight hunger urges, nothing major or debilitating). I felt a little tired (occasional yawning) but great overall and barely thought about food throughout the day. On the way home from work, around 4PM I *really* had the feeling I needed to eat though, so I ate one of the apples I had with me. When I got home I made a salad and then ate another apple.

Then I went to my therapy, and after therapy I thought "You know, I'm downtown, I'm going to go get some sushi, since I've eaten so little today and I am a little hungry." Also, to be quite honest some emotional stuff had come out during therapy (which was great!) but it did make me want to self-comfort a bit with food. The sushi place was packed, so I went into a creperie restaurant and ordered the vegetarian deluxe, which on the whole was a good choice though it had two kinds of cheese in it.

I got home, watched some TV with my roomie, and on the way back to my room to go to bed I suddenly couldn't eat enough. I had stopped in the kitchen just to get some water but ended up eating a cup of mac and cheese from the fridge, some hummus, some almond butter and crackers and sugary berry lemonade. This wasn't the binge I was referring to above, but it did give me a clue that not eating early in the day tends to have a REALLY bad affect on me by the end of the day. I probably am not anywhere near the emotional, psychological, physical levels of strength I need to be at to do a fast for even one day.

Can I do a fast? Sure! One day I could. Just like one day after years of getting fit maybe I could manage running a marathon, but it's sure as hell not going to happen tomorrow. I'm just not there. Sometimes I get it into my head that I need to be a *perfect* eater, but I just need to be a *sane* eater, really. Sanity is the goal currently. Sanity, sanity G.K., sanity.

Anyway, the next day I had been having a good food day, but was going to be going out to karaoke that night with friends and thought I'd probably just eat my dinner there at the bar (bar food! always so nutritious). But after work, I was famished and decided to go ahead and eat my dinner before the outing. Not only did I decide to go ahead and eat dinner (would would have been a great choice normally, to eat before the bar so as to avoid the unhealthy bar food) but what I chose was a BUFFET. The Japanese buffet. I ate two big plates (their plates are huge, btw). I was stuffed and feeling literally sick and tired when I left.

That night after the bar I picked up fast food from Sonic on my way home to really finish off the day. My mindset was that I had already ruined the day so I might as well indulge in anything else bad I wanted to get out of the way. I was already overly full from bingeing earlier, but got mozzarella sticks, a bacon/egg sandwich, and french toast sticks and sugar soda from Sonic anyway. So it was not just overeating, it was an out and out binge. Almost like two binges really.

So all day the next day (which was Saturday) I felt really down on myself. I was doing some majorly negative self-talk. After work on Saturday I went to the gym, sat in the sauna before stretching and doing my workout, and while in the sauna I cried a little and had this realization:

I have never felt this low about bingeing before. It was always so normal before. I just accepted it. I didn't really care, or at least I was numbed to the point of not realizing I cared. So the reason I was so sad/mad at myself this time was just because I had BEEN DOING SO WELL. I had been doing so much better with food than I ever had at any other time in my life. So the fall was bigger. It was harder. It was so much worse-seeming in relation to where I had been.

This realization did make me feel somewhat better. I'm okay. I'm taking day by day. I realize I need more support in my recovery. I need to know more people and also just to reach out to the people I do already know in O.A. It's hard for me to reach out. I wish people would reach out to me, but I also know that I need to build the "muscle" of being able to be the one reaching. I need to learn how to be the one asking for help.

I am improving. I am recovering. If a student got mostly A's and B's, with a couple of C's and one D and F would you tell them that they failed because of that D and F? Of course not. That does not equal failure. It just means I'm not perfect, and that I'm still learning how best to be free of my addiction, which happens to be a really f'ing difficult addiction to kick!