Self-Abuse

"I was already in self-abuse at that point–sometimes skipping my morning shower, often looking like I rolled out of bed, and generally being frantic and miserable and hypersensitive to any potentially hurtful comment."--from the blog entry titled "Abstinence Again?" from A 40-Something Fool's Journey

I appreciated reading this and realizing that not taking care of personal appearance and hygiene are forms of self-abuse! For me not keeping my house (especially my bedroom) clean is also a common form of self-abuse. I think it is helpful for me to see it as self-destructive because it helps me to see how important it really is (in my recovery and in general, as a way of learning to love myself more fully so that I can be a more loving presence for others) to really take care of myself and my home. Doing these things is not about vanity, it is about caring for myself enough to wear clean, unwrinkled clothing and not having trash and dirty clothes lying all over my bedroom floor.

I'm already aware that smoking, doing drugs, engaging in risky behavior, and abusing my body with large amounts of excess food are self-abusive, but it's helpful to have gained an awareness that neglecting my personal care-taking (though not quite as insidious as some of the others) is also a form of self-abuse.

My dirty bedroom may not be at the same level as the folks on Hoarders, but although it might be more obvious they are self-abusing because they've done dirty/cluttered to an extreme, I do see now (in a way I haven't before) that I am also being abusive to myself in the way that I keep my room far from the beautiful space I would most want it to be.

So here's to a great lesson: Self-care! Self-love! :)

Fake it 'til you make it?

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

--"Smile," Nat King Cole

Breaking Abstinence: Firming Faith

After four weeks of abstinence I overate yesterday. I didn't feel sad prior to overeating, in fact I felt happier and more content than I had in awhile. I'm forming bonds with people, creating a social/emotional net for myself that I have not had in a long time and it feels good... but perhaps even these good feelings are scary at a mostly unconscious level. I mean surely something was going on to make me feel the need to numb.

Though the voices (devil saying eat eat eat! angel saying don't don't don't!) battled in my head for awhile, the devil won out in the end and I ate everything I wanted, which was neither a healthy nor a moderate meal.

And today I feel fine. I feel calm, no food obsession, the train did not derail from the track. I don't say this to give myself permission to overeat, I say it as an example of how the program has strengthened me. I amletting the higher power move through me and I am seeing beautiful, positive changes in all areas of my life.

I have gone a month without overeating. I have had to learn a lot in that time about my body's hunger/satiety cues (which have been largely ignored for 30 years!) about myself, about the program, etc. I still have much more to learn but I'm well, and happy, and full of gratitude for my recovery and for what I am learning, and for my increased strength.

I have hope and faith where I did not before, and I will take that with me moving forward.