I Forgive Myself for Being Human

I think sometimes I avoid writing here because I feel I need to be reporting on “how I’m doing,” which, in terms of consistent abstinence from overeating, is not so great. 

I have been coming to OA meetings since the end of September 2012, so two years and a month or so. Shouldn’t I be sailing smoothly in my abstinence thus far? I think so. But then I remind myself of the process it took for me to become abstinent from marijuana.

That process began in 2010 when I had to stop using in order to find a job, then once I acquired a job I decided to only allow myself to smoke pot every two months. And what I mean by “only smoking every two months” is that I would buy a bag of weed every two months and binge on it until it was gone.

At one point I managed longer than two months of marijuana-sobriety, and then finally a family situation (involving a family member’s addiction to synthetic marijuana to the point that she became a danger to her own child) scared me into sobriety. Even a few months after that scare, around Halloween 2012 I found myself in some situations where marijuana was being smoked and I participated. 

It was a process. Now at my two year sobriety mark from smoking pot I feel I’ve come a long way and feel strong enough to maintain my sobriety without too much trouble (though I know I will always be a pot addict and that I need to stay vigilant against the disease). But becoming sober was not at all like turning on a light switch. It was trial-and-error.

So why do I expect food abstinence to be any easier, especially considering that it’s so much more complicated of an addiction? With food abstinence, after all, half the battle is figuring out what “abstinence” is to begin with! And even then, we will be surrounded by our addictive substance on a daily basis. I do not have to be confronted with cheap, easily available marijuana when I drove down the highway or enter a grocery store. My co-workers do not hold marijuana potlucks. There are no holidays where people hand out marijuana to children, give marijuana to express their romantic love, or gather around the table with family to smoke a bong (unless, of course, you’re a very enthusiastic celebrator of the 420 Holiday, I suppose).

And of course, unlike with food addiction, we don’t need to smoke marijuana to stay alive. I need food, but I do not need the foods I am addicted to. But knowing which foods those are exactly, and then avoiding them when they’re all around? That is hard.

I do feel I’ve had some good insights lately regarding my food addiction. Reading about the science of sugar addiction has lead me to understand that I probably am a sugar addict. When I recently cut sugar out of my diet completely (which is difficult to do, by the way, because it’s in almost everything you eat, and simple carbs turn almost immediately into sugar when you eat them so those have to be avoided too as they trigger the brain’s reward system the same way sugar does) I stopped having cravings. In fact, I stopped being hungry most of the time (maybe more on that in a future post). 

I made it about a week without sugar, then slipped and then sprawled. Today is no sugar day one again. One day at a time. As many times as it takes.

Self-Abuse

"I was already in self-abuse at that point–sometimes skipping my morning shower, often looking like I rolled out of bed, and generally being frantic and miserable and hypersensitive to any potentially hurtful comment."--from the blog entry titled "Abstinence Again?" from A 40-Something Fool's Journey

I appreciated reading this and realizing that not taking care of personal appearance and hygiene are forms of self-abuse! For me not keeping my house (especially my bedroom) clean is also a common form of self-abuse. I think it is helpful for me to see it as self-destructive because it helps me to see how important it really is (in my recovery and in general, as a way of learning to love myself more fully so that I can be a more loving presence for others) to really take care of myself and my home. Doing these things is not about vanity, it is about caring for myself enough to wear clean, unwrinkled clothing and not having trash and dirty clothes lying all over my bedroom floor.

I'm already aware that smoking, doing drugs, engaging in risky behavior, and abusing my body with large amounts of excess food are self-abusive, but it's helpful to have gained an awareness that neglecting my personal care-taking (though not quite as insidious as some of the others) is also a form of self-abuse.

My dirty bedroom may not be at the same level as the folks on Hoarders, but although it might be more obvious they are self-abusing because they've done dirty/cluttered to an extreme, I do see now (in a way I haven't before) that I am also being abusive to myself in the way that I keep my room far from the beautiful space I would most want it to be.

So here's to a great lesson: Self-care! Self-love! :)

Fake it 'til you make it?

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

--"Smile," Nat King Cole

Healing with Food vs. Comforting with Food

This is day 3 of my chest cold. All in all, it hasn't been the worst cold ever, but I had it in my mind I would get through this cold season unscathed. Not so, my friends, not so. The worst I guess is not being able to sleep well the past two nights. The best was calling in to work today and actually having a valid excuse (though let's be honest, isn't it more fun to call in to work when you're NOT sick? Then you can actually enjoy the off-time). I guess blogging and lounging aren't horrible pastimes though.



Anyway, a couple times with this cold I've craved fast food to "make me feel better." Well, what I really want is something to temporarily distract me from my sickness. Or to numb me, or to help me pass out. Did you know you could pass out from overeating? Sure you did. Some people call that the yearly tradition of Thanksgiving. I call it the multiple-time-weekly tradition of being a compulsive overeater. Not being able to sleep last night, I was definitely craving a fast-food binge. But wanting food to knock you out or divert you from your pain is *not* the same as using food to heal. Obviously a Big Mac isn't going to boost my immune system.

There are foods that will though. Citrus fruits are great (had a tangerine earlier) of course because of the Vitamin C. Also drinking lots of liquids (water, licorice tea, green tea). I've been eating chicken broth which (due to its high sodium content) is questionable in terms of helping my body repair itself but at least it's a hot, soothing liquid.

Supposedly ginger is really great for colds though, boosting the immune system. So my dinner tonight will be a chicken/veggie/ginger/garlic stir-fry (garlic also helps kill bacteria so that's a good one too).

I hope you have not been touched by sickness as I have! If so, get well soon!

Conscious Contact

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I don't necessarily think of God as a "him," but that particular wording issue aside, this is one of my favorite steps. I believe very strongly, and have for several years before joining Overeaters Anonymous, that there is always guidance available to us from "spirit," our "higher selves," from "God" or "the Universe" or "source" or whatever word you might want to use. We can all connect to this and be in-tune with God's energy, or "will" for us. 

I have a bit of a cold, and kept coughing last night and wasn't able to sleep, so I decided to do a Reiki healing on myself. Reiki is a form of energy healing, wherein through meditation you tap into healing energy from God. In Reiki you work with your energy centers, or chakras. I learned somewhere along the way also that it helps to ask for healing assistance from Arch angels or other beings.

Last night as I was doing healing, I decided to call upon what I know as the 4 Archangels: Michael, Rahael, Gabriel, and Uriel. For some reason as I was saying their names, instead of Uriel I said "Azrael." And then immediately I said, "No, no, not Azrael, unless indeed he is here to help me," because though I didn't really know anything about who Azrael was, I had a sudden half-memory that maybe he was a "bad angel" or even a demon.

The next day, on my facebook feed Doreen Virtue posted an Angel Card reading for the week, which I'm posting below:



I find it very interesting this synchronicity that Azrael comes up TWICE in this reading! I do not always look at her weekly readings. I think I've only viewed one of hers once before. So what an affirmation that the day after the name Azrael comes to me unexpectedly, I see this reading and he happens to be pulled *twice* in the same reading.

Not only that, but her interpretation of the reading all relates to detox, getting a sponsor, and she even specifically mentions 12-Step programs. Cool, eh? I think this is definitely an affirmation from spirit that I am going through a transition that is very good for me and that I have heavenly support for my transition out of using food to numb myself.

Here is another great website that explains Azrael and his role not just as an angel of death, but more importantly as an angel of transformations: Archeon Azrael

I might not look like I have a favorite fitness video instructor...

...but I do!

And his name is Gilad. *heartfelt emotional sighs!*



I remember over 10 years ago finding him randomly on satellite. Earlier this week I found him on my cable provider's On Demand list. Yes!!! Go check out Gilad's Website. You can probably also find him on youtube and/or Netflix.