Forgiveness

For the majority of my life I held resentment towards my Aunt and Uncle for the emotional abuse I felt I received from them in my childhood. My mother died in a car accident when I was 11, at which point my aunt and uncle had become my and my sister's full-time guardians, although they had already had part-time guardianship of us for a few years before that due to my mother's severe bipolar disorder.

I'll keep the story short and simple, I feel loved by my aunt and uncle now, and a lot of healing has occurred. Much of my healing had to do with forgiveness.

I'm finding forgiveness to be a major spiritual gift of late as well in dealing with a hurtful situation with my former roommate who offered to foster my cat for me until I could find an apartment that would allow pets. Edgar the cat has been in my life for ten years now. Understandably my ex-roommate also has a bond with him, but I was shocked and made fearful by her statement that she felt entitled to keep him, and if not, that she thought she should keep him until I pay back a debt to her that I truthfully do owe (though her account of the total debt is quite inflated). The debt is something I had planned to start paying as soon as I got a full-time job that would allow me to do so, which I do have now (and that is also the reason I am finally in an apartment that allows pets). My ex-roommate seemed to feel I had shown no intentions so far of paying back the loan, and truthfully she is right--I should have made more effort to at least start paying her back a small amount here and there--and I admitted this to her. I offered multiple times to make written payment arrangements, but she insists as of the writing of this blog entry that she needs to keep Edgar until the loan is completely paid off.

In reading fourth step material online (the current step I'm on) I found some advice that when we are feeling resentful for someone it is very healing that we prayer *for* the other person. We pray that this person have all the joy and happiness that we want for ourselves. I've been doing a lot of prayer lately, not really sure how to react to my friend's evasive (she will only talk to me about this through email she says, and even then her response is 2-7 days in coming) and hurtful behavior.

I had made prayer for her once when I first read this advice online, and it helped somewhat, but I think I was still too stunned by the whole thing to really mean those kindnesses that I was prayerfully directing at her.

In the past two weeks I have felt almost non-stop the stress, worry, anger and resentment about this issue eating me from the inside out. I had just regained abstinence and my inability to handle my emotions and deal effectively with my resentments lead me to overeat.

Yesterday I decided to pray for my friend again. This time I felt almost a rosy, holy feeling, I felt aligned with the words I was speaking. I truly found compassion for her, was able to find forgiveness and let go of this pain and stress. I do not know what the future holds regarding my cat. She has been unresponsive for the past 4 days. I have not stopped wanting to have my Edgar back, but I have decided that I deserve more than to be living in fear, anger, paranoia, and resentment regarding the situation. I will continue to give this situation to God to the best of my ability, and seek God's will for a resolution.

Thoughts from Morning Commute: I Deserve More than What Food Can Do for Me

I deserve more than what food can do for me. On my commute this morning I was thinking a lot about how I've been consciously shifting toward a more positive perspective and how doing that has brought me to greater happiness. I was thinking that even though I have not been abstinent for much of this shift, my general movement towards greater happiness is making me stronger and more capable of being abstinent. 

Likewise, though perhaps I could be happy without abstinence, I know that I deserve more, much more, than what food could ever do for me.

Just as a side note, isn't that a beautiful image? #crowlove #crowmedicine ;)

Unmanageable?

The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous asks, in reference to Step One,

"When and how has my life become unmanageable?"

The following are ways in which my life is and has been unmanageable:

--I have had great difficulty taking on the responsibilities of an adult life. I have often been just scraping by financially. Even though I have now come to a point where I am able to trust that my finances will be taken care of, I find it difficult to do certain things such as keep insurance on my car, pay back student loans, achieve a salaried career. I know that my insecurity about my weight has held me back especially in terms of career. But underlying it is a greater fear, I think. A fear of not being wanted, of having to co-exist with people long-term who work with me, and that either I won't like them or they won't like me or some combination. That I'll fail.
--I have great difficulty keeping my home and car cleaned and maintained.
--I sleep too much.
--I do not embrace life fully.
--Since I am single and have no children, I have plenty of extra time that I could be using towards general maintenance of myself, my home, my finances, but I cannot seem to manage these things adequately.
--Because I have lost two jobs before, I always have a fear that I will fail and lose my current jobs (I have two part-time jobs right now, one which I've been doing for almost 3 years, which is by fear the longest job I've ever held, and one which I've had almost one year).
--At times my fitness level has been so bad (due to food addiction and not moving my body enough) that I have had great difficulty walking even a couple of blocks at a time.
--This is getting a lot better, especially since beginning OA, but I have had great difficulty in friendships in the past few years especially.

Action!

I've never really (so far in the program) created any kind of action plan. It does occur to me lately that I'm fearing making progress in my career-life. I know exactly the career I want to have but I don't know exactly how to get there and I'm also feeling fearful about getting what I want.

I guess when I think about it (which is starting right now as I write) those fears are about measuring up, about whether or not I will even be satisfied with the work that I feel called to do, about whether or not others will deem me adequate to give me the support I need to get the job, about having the courage to ask them for their help to begin with, and about whether or not I will ever even be hired.
I want to teach students with behavioral and/or emotional problems. Right now I am a substitute teacher (in my third year of subbing) and I have an M.A. in English which unfortunately doesn't qualify me to teach public school.
Last year I went to speak to a woman at the university where I got my masters, asking her about a Post-Baccalaureate program they have for people who have degrees but do not have the necessary teaching certification to teach in public schools.

She told me that since I wanted to go into Special Ed., which is one area where more teachers are needed than are available, I could take the PRAXIS test, and if I passed it I could apply for teaching jobs under a "transitional" teaching license. If I were to get a teaching job, then I would spend 3 years taking classes while teaching in order to complete my license.

This approach was much easier and less costly than going back to school for three years and THEN getting a job. So I studied for the PRAXIS for 3 months, took it and aced it, and applied for teaching jobs last June. I did get called for an initial interview by the county board of education, but the next step in the process would have been going to interview with principals at schools who were interested in hiring me for specific positions at their schools. This never happened.

Which could be because I sucked in my interview. (I hope not! Though possible, I don't think I'm the best interviewer). Or, it could be because there were not any available Special Ed. positions that the county thought me best suited for that could not be filled with currently-certified teachers.

So I'm going in the right direction generally, but for the past year I've been sort of floating along, which was good in a way. I was "trusting" God, the Universe, the source, etc. to guide me to the correct position for me. I was waiting for signs to know what next steps to make, and today I think I am getting those signs and insights. I am also gaining the courage to actually take them.

So, anyway, I think an action plan looks like this:

--Speak to the Human Resources director in charge of Special Ed. for her insight and advice into how I should best go forward, knowing as I do that I want to work with kids who have behavioral issues
--Take whatever advice she gives me! I'm specifically wondering if taking a T.A. position initially would be the best route for getting initiated into the culture of a particular school, so that the principal there would know me and be more willing/likely to hire me into a transitional-licensure teaching position when one comes available.
--Speak to the handful of people I know currently working in the school system to see if they would be references for me
--Apply again for this year's available positions, with better references and more experience and know-how than last year