I Forgive Myself for Being Human

I think sometimes I avoid writing here because I feel I need to be reporting on “how I’m doing,” which, in terms of consistent abstinence from overeating, is not so great. 

I have been coming to OA meetings since the end of September 2012, so two years and a month or so. Shouldn’t I be sailing smoothly in my abstinence thus far? I think so. But then I remind myself of the process it took for me to become abstinent from marijuana.

That process began in 2010 when I had to stop using in order to find a job, then once I acquired a job I decided to only allow myself to smoke pot every two months. And what I mean by “only smoking every two months” is that I would buy a bag of weed every two months and binge on it until it was gone.

At one point I managed longer than two months of marijuana-sobriety, and then finally a family situation (involving a family member’s addiction to synthetic marijuana to the point that she became a danger to her own child) scared me into sobriety. Even a few months after that scare, around Halloween 2012 I found myself in some situations where marijuana was being smoked and I participated. 

It was a process. Now at my two year sobriety mark from smoking pot I feel I’ve come a long way and feel strong enough to maintain my sobriety without too much trouble (though I know I will always be a pot addict and that I need to stay vigilant against the disease). But becoming sober was not at all like turning on a light switch. It was trial-and-error.

So why do I expect food abstinence to be any easier, especially considering that it’s so much more complicated of an addiction? With food abstinence, after all, half the battle is figuring out what “abstinence” is to begin with! And even then, we will be surrounded by our addictive substance on a daily basis. I do not have to be confronted with cheap, easily available marijuana when I drove down the highway or enter a grocery store. My co-workers do not hold marijuana potlucks. There are no holidays where people hand out marijuana to children, give marijuana to express their romantic love, or gather around the table with family to smoke a bong (unless, of course, you’re a very enthusiastic celebrator of the 420 Holiday, I suppose).

And of course, unlike with food addiction, we don’t need to smoke marijuana to stay alive. I need food, but I do not need the foods I am addicted to. But knowing which foods those are exactly, and then avoiding them when they’re all around? That is hard.

I do feel I’ve had some good insights lately regarding my food addiction. Reading about the science of sugar addiction has lead me to understand that I probably am a sugar addict. When I recently cut sugar out of my diet completely (which is difficult to do, by the way, because it’s in almost everything you eat, and simple carbs turn almost immediately into sugar when you eat them so those have to be avoided too as they trigger the brain’s reward system the same way sugar does) I stopped having cravings. In fact, I stopped being hungry most of the time (maybe more on that in a future post). 

I made it about a week without sugar, then slipped and then sprawled. Today is no sugar day one again. One day at a time. As many times as it takes.

12 Promises

I love the Twelve Promises. :) I have seen some of them fulfilled in small ways and look forward to the continued blessings of recovery. 

Forgiveness

For the majority of my life I held resentment towards my Aunt and Uncle for the emotional abuse I felt I received from them in my childhood. My mother died in a car accident when I was 11, at which point my aunt and uncle had become my and my sister's full-time guardians, although they had already had part-time guardianship of us for a few years before that due to my mother's severe bipolar disorder.

I'll keep the story short and simple, I feel loved by my aunt and uncle now, and a lot of healing has occurred. Much of my healing had to do with forgiveness.

I'm finding forgiveness to be a major spiritual gift of late as well in dealing with a hurtful situation with my former roommate who offered to foster my cat for me until I could find an apartment that would allow pets. Edgar the cat has been in my life for ten years now. Understandably my ex-roommate also has a bond with him, but I was shocked and made fearful by her statement that she felt entitled to keep him, and if not, that she thought she should keep him until I pay back a debt to her that I truthfully do owe (though her account of the total debt is quite inflated). The debt is something I had planned to start paying as soon as I got a full-time job that would allow me to do so, which I do have now (and that is also the reason I am finally in an apartment that allows pets). My ex-roommate seemed to feel I had shown no intentions so far of paying back the loan, and truthfully she is right--I should have made more effort to at least start paying her back a small amount here and there--and I admitted this to her. I offered multiple times to make written payment arrangements, but she insists as of the writing of this blog entry that she needs to keep Edgar until the loan is completely paid off.

In reading fourth step material online (the current step I'm on) I found some advice that when we are feeling resentful for someone it is very healing that we prayer *for* the other person. We pray that this person have all the joy and happiness that we want for ourselves. I've been doing a lot of prayer lately, not really sure how to react to my friend's evasive (she will only talk to me about this through email she says, and even then her response is 2-7 days in coming) and hurtful behavior.

I had made prayer for her once when I first read this advice online, and it helped somewhat, but I think I was still too stunned by the whole thing to really mean those kindnesses that I was prayerfully directing at her.

In the past two weeks I have felt almost non-stop the stress, worry, anger and resentment about this issue eating me from the inside out. I had just regained abstinence and my inability to handle my emotions and deal effectively with my resentments lead me to overeat.

Yesterday I decided to pray for my friend again. This time I felt almost a rosy, holy feeling, I felt aligned with the words I was speaking. I truly found compassion for her, was able to find forgiveness and let go of this pain and stress. I do not know what the future holds regarding my cat. She has been unresponsive for the past 4 days. I have not stopped wanting to have my Edgar back, but I have decided that I deserve more than to be living in fear, anger, paranoia, and resentment regarding the situation. I will continue to give this situation to God to the best of my ability, and seek God's will for a resolution.

Thoughts from Morning Commute: I Deserve More than What Food Can Do for Me

I deserve more than what food can do for me. On my commute this morning I was thinking a lot about how I've been consciously shifting toward a more positive perspective and how doing that has brought me to greater happiness. I was thinking that even though I have not been abstinent for much of this shift, my general movement towards greater happiness is making me stronger and more capable of being abstinent. 

Likewise, though perhaps I could be happy without abstinence, I know that I deserve more, much more, than what food could ever do for me.

Just as a side note, isn't that a beautiful image? #crowlove #crowmedicine ;)

Staying Inside My Body

"Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. God, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body."--from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Sometimes when I share on Twitter or other social media it makes me feel ill. I think it has to do with putting too much energy out there, something along the lines of what Melody Beattie talks about in her entry on "Owning Our Energy" from The Language of Letting Go.

She says, "our energy spills out of us on to whomever. Our energy is our energy [my emphasis]. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours."

I don't intentionally try to invade others' boundaries with my energy. I just want to express myself and I think sometimes just the unintended consequence is that you can't just express yourself willy nilly without other people being affected by the energy you're putting out.

So, it's a fine line. How to express oneself
without overstepping others' boundaries, or your own?

Back, from outer space

         I have been thinking a lot lately about allowing for God's will to guide and direct me. OA recommends submitting one's own will, with the suggestion that personal willpower will not heal us. Sometimes that can be confusing, don't we need willpower to stop overeating?

I think it's good to admit confusion with OA principles (or with anything), but I do also know that in general when I'm worried or fearful I always feel better the more fully I am able to "give it to God." So it makes sense to give the fear that causes my overeating over to God.

When I overeat, it is out of fear and worry. Sometimes I eat because I'm happy, or seemingly that's why I'm eating, what I've realized is that I often run into fearfulness that I'll lose happiness. So even happy times cause great anxiety. I'm often waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Returning to this blog a little over a year later, I would like to focus more on the positive. I think when I began in OA it was important to me to feel like I was being honest about my shadows, acknowledging my compulsive behavior, looking my addiction square in the face.

And of course that is still important. But I also want to be honest about my strengths, my joys, about the progress I've had.

I am newly abstinent again. I've moved back to eastern Ky to be near my family, and that's been a great change. Partly due to OA, and additionally from getting back to my roots and my sense of rootedness, I'm happier at this point of my life than I've ever been. At the same time, even while continuing to become happier and better adjusted following a major depression in 2006, I haven't been abstinent for a long time.

Abstinence itself doesn't bring happiness. But I know, that as a fairly calm and contented person (these days! and believe much I'm much happier and more centered even than when I started this blog) that I deserve, in my contentedness, to be treating myself with good health and with the continued mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being that comes with abstinence and the freedom from the insanity of compulsive eating.

Irrational and Self-Destructive

"As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?" --Step 2, Question 1, OA 12 Step Workbook

I've made myself physically sick, pushing myself close to having problems with diabetes. I've caused myself to gain enough weight that my knees have had difficulty bearing my weight. I've found it difficult to do things that people of a more moderate size can do (like fitting into an amusement park ride, an airplane seat, finding pantyhose that fit well, finding clothes easily).

I've eaten so much that I've made myself constipated, and then still ate more. Once I ate so quickly I started choking, and then tried to take another bite while still choking on my last bite.

I've convinced myself I couldn't afford "healthy" food but then spent a ton of money on unhealthy food. I've hidden how much I've eaten. I've stolen food, putting myself at legal risk.

I've gone to a buffet before, thinking to myself "I bet these people think I'm just stuffing myself, but they don't know that I'm actually losing weight because I'm exercising." I've convinced myself on multiple occasions that I could be losing weight even though I was overeating.

Unmanageable?

The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous asks, in reference to Step One,

"When and how has my life become unmanageable?"

The following are ways in which my life is and has been unmanageable:

--I have had great difficulty taking on the responsibilities of an adult life. I have often been just scraping by financially. Even though I have now come to a point where I am able to trust that my finances will be taken care of, I find it difficult to do certain things such as keep insurance on my car, pay back student loans, achieve a salaried career. I know that my insecurity about my weight has held me back especially in terms of career. But underlying it is a greater fear, I think. A fear of not being wanted, of having to co-exist with people long-term who work with me, and that either I won't like them or they won't like me or some combination. That I'll fail.
--I have great difficulty keeping my home and car cleaned and maintained.
--I sleep too much.
--I do not embrace life fully.
--Since I am single and have no children, I have plenty of extra time that I could be using towards general maintenance of myself, my home, my finances, but I cannot seem to manage these things adequately.
--Because I have lost two jobs before, I always have a fear that I will fail and lose my current jobs (I have two part-time jobs right now, one which I've been doing for almost 3 years, which is by fear the longest job I've ever held, and one which I've had almost one year).
--At times my fitness level has been so bad (due to food addiction and not moving my body enough) that I have had great difficulty walking even a couple of blocks at a time.
--This is getting a lot better, especially since beginning OA, but I have had great difficulty in friendships in the past few years especially.

Milestone Entry: 5 Months into OA

Periodically I will write these milestone entries so that I (and anyone reading who is interested) can understand where I am at and have been so far in my recovery.

Milestone Entry Date: February 21, 2013

This is where I am currently:

In brief:
--From late-Sept. 2012-Dec. 15, 2012 I was in OA, experimenting with food plans, but not yet abstinent.
--From Dec. 15, 2012-Jan. 31, 2013 (One and a half months) I was abstinent
--Feb. 1, 2013 Major binge and break in abstinence
--Feb. 2-Feb. 9, 2013 Abstinence and eating very "clean" with no processed foods
--Feb. 10-16, 2013 visiting with family, break in abstinence
--Feb. 17-today, new Abstinence

Time in OA: approx. 5 months
Current abstinence: 5 days
Longest abstinence to date: One and a half months

For a fuller explanation:

--Have been attending Overeaters Anonymous for 5 months, since late-Sept. 2012
--About a month or so into program I experimented with using a daily food-plan for awhile, which I sent to myself via e-mail. I don't know that I was exactly abstinent at this point, but I was learning more about how much food my body really needed (instead of how much my addiction wanted). This was an important learning period for me. "Progress, not perfection!" ;)
--In mid-December 2012 I got a sponsor and had a month and a half of abstinence. As the abstinence progressed I started allowing myself to eat "reasonable" amounts of dangerous foods, such as fast food, though still maintained a moderate AMOUNT of food.
--In late January 2013 I started researching Alkaline diets and fasts. I was happy to have lost 15 pounds in my first 6 weeks of abstinence and wanted to get my body more clean. On Jan. 31, 2013 I decided to try to do a water-only fast. I got through the day without any cravings and had only minor and brief feelings of hunger. I felt I was doing something great for my body. On the drive home from work I had a very strong urge to eat (very hungry) and ate an apple that I had in my bag just in case. At home I had another apple, then a salad, then went to a therapy appointment. After my therapy appointment (which was pretty emotional) I ate a vegetarian crepe at a nearby restaurant. I felt fine, but later that night as I was heading to bed, passing the kitchen I got a plate of crackers and mac and cheese, etc. and just piled it all together and ate it with a glass of sugary lemonade. I don't know if I was hungry or just craving, it was definitely a compulsive act of eating but not sure how much it was driven by actual hunger? Since my total calorie count for the day was likely pretty minor, I still did not count this day as a loss of abstinence
--The next day, Feb. 1, 2013  I had a full-on binge. I went to a buffet, which is definitely a MAJOR no-no for a food addict! I ate two hefty plates of Japanese food (a lot of fried, carby stuff, and their plates are enormous). Then I went out to karaoke with friends, feeling full to the point of sickness. That night as I was driving home I figured I might as well go ahead and eat some more junk that I wouldn't be able to eat when I got back into my abstinence, so I got a bag of food from the Sonic drive-thru.
--From the week afterward (Feb 2, 2013-Feb. 9, 2013) I ate wonderfully. I ate whole foods (fresh vegetables, fruits, and whole, complex carbs like red cargo rice and proteins like almond butter as well as vegetarian protein smoothies). I had nearly zero cravings and I felt that eating cleaner must be a better way for me, that my previous dabbles with fast food and processed foods had lead me before to my eventual binge.
--Then, the healthy food I had on-hand ran out, plus I got really tired of taking so much time each day planning/preparing my food. This coupled with a trip to visit my family in the next state over (where abstinence is difficult due to emotions and their own food choices), I lost abstinence again from Feb. 10-16.
--I am now abstinent again, since February 17th, 2013. Five days into new abstinence! This time I am trying to eat as "clean" as possible as well but realizing that this is about progress, not perfection and that sometimes eating more convenient foods are beneficial to my overall abstinence. But with that said, I will try my best to choose the healthiest "convenience" foods possible when necessary (such as an Amy's Organic burrito instead of a Taco Bell burrito).

My abstinent food plan going forward:

No fast food
No cheese
No crackers or refined white wheat products
No soda (diet or regular)*
No potato or corn chips
No buffets

*I will note here that during the past week of my new abstinence I have had some diet soda. I had been really good during my initial abstinence of giving up soda entirely. My roommate, who usually doesn't bring diet soda, brought some into the house this week (leftover from an event she went to) and it has been difficult for me not to drink them. I will still count this week as abstinence, even though I have had a few diet sodas over the past couple days. Going forward, though, I choose not to drink soda, which has been a known trigger for me in the past (often combined with food binges). Plus it is very toxic, even the diet kind.

Action!

I've never really (so far in the program) created any kind of action plan. It does occur to me lately that I'm fearing making progress in my career-life. I know exactly the career I want to have but I don't know exactly how to get there and I'm also feeling fearful about getting what I want.

I guess when I think about it (which is starting right now as I write) those fears are about measuring up, about whether or not I will even be satisfied with the work that I feel called to do, about whether or not others will deem me adequate to give me the support I need to get the job, about having the courage to ask them for their help to begin with, and about whether or not I will ever even be hired.
I want to teach students with behavioral and/or emotional problems. Right now I am a substitute teacher (in my third year of subbing) and I have an M.A. in English which unfortunately doesn't qualify me to teach public school.
Last year I went to speak to a woman at the university where I got my masters, asking her about a Post-Baccalaureate program they have for people who have degrees but do not have the necessary teaching certification to teach in public schools.

She told me that since I wanted to go into Special Ed., which is one area where more teachers are needed than are available, I could take the PRAXIS test, and if I passed it I could apply for teaching jobs under a "transitional" teaching license. If I were to get a teaching job, then I would spend 3 years taking classes while teaching in order to complete my license.

This approach was much easier and less costly than going back to school for three years and THEN getting a job. So I studied for the PRAXIS for 3 months, took it and aced it, and applied for teaching jobs last June. I did get called for an initial interview by the county board of education, but the next step in the process would have been going to interview with principals at schools who were interested in hiring me for specific positions at their schools. This never happened.

Which could be because I sucked in my interview. (I hope not! Though possible, I don't think I'm the best interviewer). Or, it could be because there were not any available Special Ed. positions that the county thought me best suited for that could not be filled with currently-certified teachers.

So I'm going in the right direction generally, but for the past year I've been sort of floating along, which was good in a way. I was "trusting" God, the Universe, the source, etc. to guide me to the correct position for me. I was waiting for signs to know what next steps to make, and today I think I am getting those signs and insights. I am also gaining the courage to actually take them.

So, anyway, I think an action plan looks like this:

--Speak to the Human Resources director in charge of Special Ed. for her insight and advice into how I should best go forward, knowing as I do that I want to work with kids who have behavioral issues
--Take whatever advice she gives me! I'm specifically wondering if taking a T.A. position initially would be the best route for getting initiated into the culture of a particular school, so that the principal there would know me and be more willing/likely to hire me into a transitional-licensure teaching position when one comes available.
--Speak to the handful of people I know currently working in the school system to see if they would be references for me
--Apply again for this year's available positions, with better references and more experience and know-how than last year

Self-Abuse

"I was already in self-abuse at that point–sometimes skipping my morning shower, often looking like I rolled out of bed, and generally being frantic and miserable and hypersensitive to any potentially hurtful comment."--from the blog entry titled "Abstinence Again?" from A 40-Something Fool's Journey

I appreciated reading this and realizing that not taking care of personal appearance and hygiene are forms of self-abuse! For me not keeping my house (especially my bedroom) clean is also a common form of self-abuse. I think it is helpful for me to see it as self-destructive because it helps me to see how important it really is (in my recovery and in general, as a way of learning to love myself more fully so that I can be a more loving presence for others) to really take care of myself and my home. Doing these things is not about vanity, it is about caring for myself enough to wear clean, unwrinkled clothing and not having trash and dirty clothes lying all over my bedroom floor.

I'm already aware that smoking, doing drugs, engaging in risky behavior, and abusing my body with large amounts of excess food are self-abusive, but it's helpful to have gained an awareness that neglecting my personal care-taking (though not quite as insidious as some of the others) is also a form of self-abuse.

My dirty bedroom may not be at the same level as the folks on Hoarders, but although it might be more obvious they are self-abusing because they've done dirty/cluttered to an extreme, I do see now (in a way I haven't before) that I am also being abusive to myself in the way that I keep my room far from the beautiful space I would most want it to be.

So here's to a great lesson: Self-care! Self-love! :)

Fake it 'til you make it?

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

--"Smile," Nat King Cole

"the more total our surrender, the more freely realized our freedom from food obsession"

The quote in the title of this entry is from the OA "Invitation to You." I have heard from my fellow OAers that many OA meetings begin with this invitation. For some reason at the meeting I attend the original creators decided to omit that, so today I read it for the first time. Good stuff!

I still feel sometimes as though I am slowly wading into recovery, taking my time. I'm learning to eliminate processed foods as I know they are triggering foods for me, but honestly that's a major transformation for someone who's been eating primarily processed foods their whole life! So, I treat it as just that, it is a transition. For some people cold turkey works best, for me I find phasing into healthier ways and out of unhealthier ways to work best.

That's how I stopped smoking marijuana. Just fyi. I used to be a pothead. I think I've written about this in a previous post.

Today I also stumbled upon the AA "Promises of our Program" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. These were so helpful that I will post the list of promises in its entirety here:

If we are painstaking about working our program, these are the amazing promises that will come true for us:
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I had a bad day... :(

On Friday I had a major binge. What led to it? A mix of things I guess.

For one, I've been experimenting with eating "moderate" amounts of junky food. And sure, it is fine to have just a little bit, but I do realize more and more that when I eat "clean" I do have way fewer cravings. Almost zero cravings, in fact.

Part of the reason I realize this about clean eating is that I got it into my head the other day I needed to start eating alkaline, to clean out my system, to do a fast (no food, just water for a couple days) and that to build up to a fast, I would do a pre-fast as I had seen recommended somewhere (a pre-fast means just eating whole, fresh, raw fruits and veg and drinking water). So on Thursday I tried to do a fast, but had taken some apples with me to work just in case I didn't make it and needed to do the pre-fast.

I made it to the end of the work-day, no major hunger (some slight hunger urges, nothing major or debilitating). I felt a little tired (occasional yawning) but great overall and barely thought about food throughout the day. On the way home from work, around 4PM I *really* had the feeling I needed to eat though, so I ate one of the apples I had with me. When I got home I made a salad and then ate another apple.

Then I went to my therapy, and after therapy I thought "You know, I'm downtown, I'm going to go get some sushi, since I've eaten so little today and I am a little hungry." Also, to be quite honest some emotional stuff had come out during therapy (which was great!) but it did make me want to self-comfort a bit with food. The sushi place was packed, so I went into a creperie restaurant and ordered the vegetarian deluxe, which on the whole was a good choice though it had two kinds of cheese in it.

I got home, watched some TV with my roomie, and on the way back to my room to go to bed I suddenly couldn't eat enough. I had stopped in the kitchen just to get some water but ended up eating a cup of mac and cheese from the fridge, some hummus, some almond butter and crackers and sugary berry lemonade. This wasn't the binge I was referring to above, but it did give me a clue that not eating early in the day tends to have a REALLY bad affect on me by the end of the day. I probably am not anywhere near the emotional, psychological, physical levels of strength I need to be at to do a fast for even one day.

Can I do a fast? Sure! One day I could. Just like one day after years of getting fit maybe I could manage running a marathon, but it's sure as hell not going to happen tomorrow. I'm just not there. Sometimes I get it into my head that I need to be a *perfect* eater, but I just need to be a *sane* eater, really. Sanity is the goal currently. Sanity, sanity G.K., sanity.

Anyway, the next day I had been having a good food day, but was going to be going out to karaoke that night with friends and thought I'd probably just eat my dinner there at the bar (bar food! always so nutritious). But after work, I was famished and decided to go ahead and eat my dinner before the outing. Not only did I decide to go ahead and eat dinner (would would have been a great choice normally, to eat before the bar so as to avoid the unhealthy bar food) but what I chose was a BUFFET. The Japanese buffet. I ate two big plates (their plates are huge, btw). I was stuffed and feeling literally sick and tired when I left.

That night after the bar I picked up fast food from Sonic on my way home to really finish off the day. My mindset was that I had already ruined the day so I might as well indulge in anything else bad I wanted to get out of the way. I was already overly full from bingeing earlier, but got mozzarella sticks, a bacon/egg sandwich, and french toast sticks and sugar soda from Sonic anyway. So it was not just overeating, it was an out and out binge. Almost like two binges really.

So all day the next day (which was Saturday) I felt really down on myself. I was doing some majorly negative self-talk. After work on Saturday I went to the gym, sat in the sauna before stretching and doing my workout, and while in the sauna I cried a little and had this realization:

I have never felt this low about bingeing before. It was always so normal before. I just accepted it. I didn't really care, or at least I was numbed to the point of not realizing I cared. So the reason I was so sad/mad at myself this time was just because I had BEEN DOING SO WELL. I had been doing so much better with food than I ever had at any other time in my life. So the fall was bigger. It was harder. It was so much worse-seeming in relation to where I had been.

This realization did make me feel somewhat better. I'm okay. I'm taking day by day. I realize I need more support in my recovery. I need to know more people and also just to reach out to the people I do already know in O.A. It's hard for me to reach out. I wish people would reach out to me, but I also know that I need to build the "muscle" of being able to be the one reaching. I need to learn how to be the one asking for help.

I am improving. I am recovering. If a student got mostly A's and B's, with a couple of C's and one D and F would you tell them that they failed because of that D and F? Of course not. That does not equal failure. It just means I'm not perfect, and that I'm still learning how best to be free of my addiction, which happens to be a really f'ing difficult addiction to kick!

Being Rooted in Real Love

I love the poet Rumi. I think many of us who tend toward addiction also tend toward desperate, chaotic attempts at "love," which in the end are not true, real, pure love from the heart. Love that comes of pleading and coercing is not real love. We cannot truly love another until we learn to truly love ourselves. How can I love myself today?

Love

Are you fleeing from Love because of a single humiliation?
What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion.
The human being resembles a tree; its root is a covenant with God:
that root must be cherished with all one's might.
A weak covenant is a rotten root, without grace or fruit.
Though the boughs and leaves of the date palm are green,
greenness brings no benefit if the root is corrupt.
If a branch is without green leaves, yet has a good root,
a hundred leaves will put forth their hands in the end.

--Rumi

Fox Totem Says, "Graze!"

Yesterday and today I'd been eyeing a fox ring that my employer sells (I work for a jewelry company). I kept wishing we had a wolf ring, because I did have a dream the other night in which someone told me wolf was my totem animal (and gave me a baby wolf), but I was attracted to the fox ring because it was so cute and for some reason the face of the fox reminded me of my cat Cocoa. :) (Kitty love!)

Anyway, today I logged into facebook and two different people on my friend's list posted fox-related photos. One was a picture of a pillow with a fox face, the other was a photo of an actual fox. I don't just accept things like this as coincidence, I say, "Here is a message! Spirit has got something for me."

Foxy you gotz some funny whizkers.

The information I read about fox's spirit animal symbolism (or its "medicine") makes a lot of sense for me in terms of job search and my emotional life at the moment. But what's most interesting to me is how it relates to my recovery from food addiction.

Today for some reason I felt like grazing... I was hungry more often today than usual, but satisfied myself with small amounts of food more often. Apparently grazing is the natural way that foxes are known to eat, and so that is part of their medicine. Funny! Perhaps spirit is saying, "Maybe the popular OA method of eating of three meals a day, no snacking in-between,  one day at a time is not for you!" Or, maybe it's not *always* for me. In any case it heartened me that eating more frequently was okay. :)

I do want to be clear here that OA does not recommend or require any specific plan of eating. But "three meals a day, no snacking, one day at a time" is an optional plan that is offered by OA as a possible way of thinking about a food plan, and many people do adopt that plan as they enter recovery. 

Breaking Abstinence: Firming Faith

After four weeks of abstinence I overate yesterday. I didn't feel sad prior to overeating, in fact I felt happier and more content than I had in awhile. I'm forming bonds with people, creating a social/emotional net for myself that I have not had in a long time and it feels good... but perhaps even these good feelings are scary at a mostly unconscious level. I mean surely something was going on to make me feel the need to numb.

Though the voices (devil saying eat eat eat! angel saying don't don't don't!) battled in my head for awhile, the devil won out in the end and I ate everything I wanted, which was neither a healthy nor a moderate meal.

And today I feel fine. I feel calm, no food obsession, the train did not derail from the track. I don't say this to give myself permission to overeat, I say it as an example of how the program has strengthened me. I amletting the higher power move through me and I am seeing beautiful, positive changes in all areas of my life.

I have gone a month without overeating. I have had to learn a lot in that time about my body's hunger/satiety cues (which have been largely ignored for 30 years!) about myself, about the program, etc. I still have much more to learn but I'm well, and happy, and full of gratitude for my recovery and for what I am learning, and for my increased strength.

I have hope and faith where I did not before, and I will take that with me moving forward.

What is a "Trigger Food"?

I know there are foods that, if they are in front of me, I will have great trouble eating in moderation. I'm not sure that necessarily makes them trigger foods.

I do find that soda (whether diet or regular) tends to be a trigger for me, which means that when I drink them I want to eat, overeat specifically, and usually not healthy foods at that. So I avoid sodas.

Other than soda though I'm not sure I really have trigger foods persay. Maybe fast food is a trigger food. If I have fast food I definitely always want more. Other than Subway, I have not eaten fast food since I've been abstinent. Subway does not trigger me in the same way McDonald's or other ones do, perhaps because the choices there are somewhat healthier in general (well, I choose the healthier ones) and also because you have to actually walk in the door (gasp!) to get your food which lessens the whole "instant gratification" trigger. So anyway, although I have chosen to avoid fast food, I do not include Subway on the "avoid list" for these reasons.

Maybe chips are a trigger food. At least, if I have a large bag I'm likely to eat way more than a serving. There have been two times when I've eaten chips since abstinent though, and haven't had too much trouble with it. The first time I was at a coffee shoppe with a friend and I ordered a curry chicken salad sandwich, which I did not realize came with a side of potato chips. I gave the chips to my friend, but ended up eating 3 or 4 of them and was surprised to find they had no major affect on me.

Then today I was getting new tires and an oil change at Wal-mart and they said it would be an hour or maybe longer, so I decided to go ahead and eat my dinner at the Subway in the store. I threw caution to the wind and got the side of Sunchips. I did not feel especially triggered by these chips either, perhaps because they were in a pre-portioned bag.

If I get a container of cheese dip or cheese spread (Kroger has some store-made ones that I loooove) then I definitely will eat the entire thing, which I'm sure is like 1000 calories at least (plus the calories of the crackers or chips I have eaten it with). So I definitely stay away from cheese dips/spreads. Does that make them a trigger? They don't trigger me to just eat anything and everything in sight, but it is almost impossible not to eat the whole thing itself. But that in and of itself is enough of a reason for me to know to stay away from them.

So really maybe soda and cheese dips are major danger foods for me. And fast food. For the most part though I honestly do not relate to the whole "trigger food" concept. I've read multiple accounts of people eating just one piece of candy and then spiraling into a binge. I just don't get it--I mean, I can certainly understand that this happens to people, but for the most part I do not recall having these experiences. But then because I know I have a diseased mind, I wonder if I really don't have these experiences or if my disease has confused me into thinking that I haven't? I wish I could trust my logic about food a bit better. :)

I think my triggers are more emotional. I'm bored? That's a MAJOR trigger for me. I'm angry, frustrated, sad, also triggers. I want to celebrate something? Time to go out for an extra special overeat! ;)

So even though I don't drink soda, yesterday I tempted fate a little bit by drinking part of a flavored seltzer that my roommate had in the fridge. It has no calories, no sweeteners, so it should be a relatively safe food, but once about a month and a half ago (before I became abstinent) I drank one of these after having been soda-free for 3 weeks and it put me into a two-week binge. I do think this might have been less about the seltzer and more about the fact that I really wanted to "live it up" before finally truly getting abstinent. Why do I think that? Well, because I kept *thinking it* as the binge progressed. I don't know that I've ever had quite that degree of binge before. Generally I'm more of an overeater/constant snacker. I think I was having a strong emotional reaction to the idea of becoming abstinent for life, for real. (Pretty scary!)

Still, though the seltzer water did not inspire any kind of binge this time it was likely still a stupid thing to do. Something about carbonation to me says usually says "eat eat eat." It didn't this time, though.  I just had a neurotic mind-loop about how scary and self-destructive it was to be tempting fate by drinking that seltzer. I did end up eating 3 Oreos later (that I've had in the house since pre-abstinence), but I can't really say it was overeating or bingeing either. Three cookies is a fairly moderate, quote/unquote "normal eater" choice I think.    Today at work one of my co-workers offered me some of her Oreos and I turned them down without any difficulty. So... while I've never considered cookies/pastries a majorly difficult food for me to avoid this seems to confirm for me that I can eat such foods in moderation. Still would be better to eat them seldom though, and leave more room in my tummy for higher-nutrition foods, but an occasional treat is a-okay I think.

I dunno. I guess I'm writing this post because yesterday I drank some seltzer water, ate 3 cookies (not at all a trigger/binge food for me generally as I'm not a sweet binger unless that's all there is, but still out of character), and today I chose the bag of chips as the side for my 6 inch sub.

Am I tempting myself? Gauging myself? Self-destructing? Probably I'm just gauging myself. I like these foods. I want to be able to eat them in moderation because I want to be a "normal" eater. You know Ghandi says "be the change you want to see in the world," well, I'm trying to be the eater I want to see myself being? I want to be able to eat in a way that's realistic for a lifetime, I guess, which includes the occasional treat. I also am really trying to understand if I truly do have trigger foods because all in all the concept still befuddles me.

Anyway, this is me processing. I still know that it's likely best not to eat certain foods. Fast food for instance is getting easier and easier to say no to and that's great because there is very little fast food that is truly a redeemable nutrition choice. ;) And cheese spreads/dips... also a great idea to avoid and thankfully I've done a good job of doing so. Sodas: better not do it. Even the seltzer was likely a bad idea, though I ended up taking only a few sips because it just wasn't very satisfying (I really was just getting tired of drinking water and looking to drink anything with a little more pizzazz!). I know I cannot buy a full-size bag of chips and expect myself to eat a moderate amount so it's also a good idea to stay away from doing so.

So I understand, in a way, the concept of trigger foods. These foods may not necessarily throw me into a binge (except for that seltzer water the one time before I became abstinent, but like I wrote before I think that was more coinciding with an emotional trigger), but they still can potentially be a threat to my abstinence, so I either avoid them altogether or if I am to eat them (such as the single-serving 200 calorie bag of Sunchips tonight) I do so in a way that is manageable (eating a pre-portioned bag). Even eating that pre-portioned bag will need to happen very seldom so that it doesn't start becoming a bad habit though.

This is a blundering, confusing, confused post. But... in its blundering confusion it is an accurate portrayal of how I feel about my disease right now. It makes me feel a little neurotic to totally avoid a food for fear it might be a "trigger," but since I don't totally related to the trigger concept I also feel that I might be neurotically just trying to fit in with the ways many of my OA compatriots identify with their own disorders. Hmm. I dunno.

You are Worth Your Health and Sanity!

On Checking the Scale

I checked the scale at the very beginning of my abstinence and told myself I would not check it again until end of January 2013 (which will be 6 weeks into my abstinence). Why did I do this?

Because... the scale is an ally of my food addiction.  In the past when I have tried to lose weight, I would get discouraged when the scale didn't move downward, thinking "But I'm eating less and/or exercising more, why isn't the scale going down? Or why isn't it going down faster?" Then I would get discouraged and give up, and eat (read: overeat).

Or, I would check the scale and see a good loss and think, "Great! So I can sneak in a nice buffet meal and it'll be okay to indulge now!" Uh, no. So obviously this lead to a cycle of the weight bouncing up and down. Not a helpful cycle.

When I became abstinent, I had just found a sponsor who is also very open in meetings about having "insanity" about the scale. This is one of the reasons I chose her as my sponsor: I knew she would understand.

So when I started out in my abstinence I knew that for the strength of my recovery, especially in the beginning when I'm more vulnerable to relapse, it would be very important NOT to be weighing in all the time.

The 6 week no-weighing has been great for me so far (I'm at the end of week 3 now). There is definitely a curiosity to check the scale. I'll admit when I visited my dad for Christmas (in the middle of my second week of abstinence) I actually did try to use his scale, but because I'm so heavy it just gave an Error message. ;)

I've also had a few times at the gym when I was very tempted to weigh-in but didn't, reminding myself that I made a commitment to ME for my OWN SAKE not to do it. Would it ruin everything if I did weigh in? Well I hope not, but I also know that, though I feel so much stronger than I did when I first began my abstinence, I still have a long way (my whole lifetime) left to go and I don't want to shoot myself in the ankle just when I'm getting started.

But regardless of not knowing the number on the scale, I do know that my body is changing. My clothes feel different. My body looks and feels different. My fitness level is improved (I can walk up the hill to the street I live on with ease when before I had to take several huffing, puffing breaks). I really don't even need the scale to verify that my weight is dropping, because I can SEE and FEEL that my body is smaller.


These changes are all so much more tangible anyway than the number on the scale, which can vary due to the time of the month (read: bloating!), how much water is in my system, how much muscle I've been building or not building, whether or not I've had a BM that day, the time of the day, etc.

So for my sanity, weighing once a month or less is helpful for my recovery. Being in Overeaters Anonymous is not primarily about weight loss. That is not my goal. My goal is to be relieved of the insanity of bingeing and eating past fullness; the compulsion to snack for no reason, or for any reason; the devil on my shoulder that convinces me I'm *hungry* and need to go through a drive-thru on the way home because I'm obviously WAY too hungry to have the strength to prepare myself food at home, which is all a lie because I'm not hungry in the first place.

I must say though, the physical changes I'm experiencing are nice. And it is a nice confirmation that I really am eating less. So many times before I've tried to convince myself I was eating less when really, calories accounted for overall, I wasn't. One of my OA sisters puts it best: "How is it that we are the ones telling ourselves these lies, and we're also the ones believing those same lies?"

Haha. Ah, addiction.